How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office?
They're hiring.