The Evangelist
The Evangelist was giving one of his fire and brimstone sermons against all the evils, sins and temptations of the world, covering everything from murder to gambling. One middle-aged woman sat in the pew swaying and rocking, and frequently punctuating the Evangelist's words with a loud "Amen, Brother, Amen!" Spurred on by her encouragements, he began to exhort the evils of alcohol and drugs. The lady even began humming in-between the chorus of her "Amen's".

"And now," shouted the sweating Evangelist, "I come to the worst sin of all. Those of you who have fallen into the temptations of the flesh .Yes, Brothers and Sisters, I'm talking about SEX now. You, most of all of you, will have to forego your loose morals and mend your ways!" The woman stopped her swaying, and with an angry look on her face said, "Now the old fool's taken to meddling instead of just preaching!"

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

Signs Your Guardian Angel Doesn't Like You
As the grand piano crashes right next to you, a voice in the wind whispers, "Dammit!"

Always starts breakfast chat with "Hey, hotcakes -- I got your syrup right here!"

After 4 years at Julliard and 12 at the Royal Shakespeare Company, the only acting gig you can land is as "dead crack ho" on a UPN movie of the week.

Only after you're committed to the mental hospital for schizophrenia does she stop using 12 different voices.

That's too big to be *bird* crap on your shoulder.

The foie gras at your last cocktail reception was just *completely* unacceptable

Every time a bell rings, you involuntarily pass gas.

You just accidentally rear-ended a car containing Mike Tyson, Latrell Sprewell, Sean Penn, and Mickey Rourke.

You're out of work, you bang your head every time you get in the car, and the new Mrs. Rodman nags *AND* snores.

Devil on your left shoulder: "You can beat the train." Angel on your right shoulder: "I concur. The locomotive is definitely beatable."

Pushes you away from a falling piano, but into the path of Rush Limbaugh chasing a Moon Pie truck.

Shows your dead grandmother in heaven how to watch you spank the monkey.

On one shoulder, a little red devil says, "Go ahead, let her do it. No one will ever know." And from the other shoulder, you hear, "That's right, Tubby -- and besides, you're the President!"