Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery...
-Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
-Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
-Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
-There go the lights again...
-Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
-Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
-Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
-What's this doing here?
-I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
-That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
-Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
-Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
-What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
-OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
-This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
-Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
-What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
-FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
-Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
-Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

Anesthetic
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

Skin Graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Information Desk
A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn." "I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity - what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant.