- Hi! John's
answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets.
- Hello,
this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for
repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
- Hello,
this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her
tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything
cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
- Hello.
You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets
are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and
they will get back to you.
- (Very
fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please
wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please
press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your
number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star,
press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If
you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press
star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
- This
is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling,
and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your
call.
- (In a
bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
- Greetings,
you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are
and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
- I can't
come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking
to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out
by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
- I
can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing
up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money,
or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name,
number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
- Hi. I'm
probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message,
and if I don't call back, it's you.
- Bob
here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking
and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise,
well, what can I say?
- (Deadpan
voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible
and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
- Hi,
this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave
a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
- Hello,
this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang
on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)
OK, what would you like me to tell me?
- You're
growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled
to leave your name, number, and a message.
- I don't
want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering
machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU
don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if
it's reality, I will call you back.
- I'm
not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave
a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might
not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone,
you might have to deal with me in person.
- Bridge,
Kirk here.
- Starship
Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a
transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on
screen?
- Hello,
you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please
leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your
hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times.
Enjoy your ride.
- Steve
has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right
now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have
him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next
week's National Enquirer.
- You have
reached 555-6238. Why?
- This
is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
- You have
reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the
beep.
- (Classical
music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you ever wonder what
life would be like? ...
- Hi.
Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular
loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno,
bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes
I do. Bye.
- These
words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles
to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.
- Now
I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before
I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
- Thank
you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right
now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone,
please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!
- C'mon...you
can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little beep,
just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep,
just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!
- Kemosabe
no in teepee now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and
Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
- Thanks
for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after
the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words: orange...mother...unicorn. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis
as soon as possible.
- Next on
Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the
Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....
- No!
NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep!
Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
- This is
the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate
destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password
is BABY BOOTIES.
- Prepare
for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test:
5...4...3...2...1...
- After
the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money.
I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
- Don't
you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep!
If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!
- This is
the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing
Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....
- How
do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions.
Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!
- This is
the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's
word is acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...}
- {Must
have good Australian accent} G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now
because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message,
and I'll get back to you.
- [Note
the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage--my
shoulders really could use it, and, what? You're only supposed to leave
a MESSAGE? Darn....
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