What do elves learn in school?
[The Elf-abet!]

What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
[It was already wound up.]

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
[Its true, Comet cleans sinks!]

How many reindeer does Santa Have???
[10 (named below)
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudoph (the one with the red nose) Olive (Olive the other reindeer {all of})

Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas?
[No, you can have turkey like everyone else.]

What nationality is Santa Claus?
[North Polish.]

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
[Sandy Claws!]

What kind of bird can write?
[A PENguin.]

Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
[Because the angel had said,"No L!"]


Who is never hungry at Christmas?
[The turkey, he is always stuffed.]

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
[Claustrophobic.]

Judge: "What are you charged with?"
Prisoner: "Doing my Christmas shopping early."
Judge: "That's not an offense. How early were you doing this shopping?"
Prisoner: "Before the store opened."

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective ?
[Santa Clues!]

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
Clerk: "What denomination?"
Woman: "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?
Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
[Jungle bells, jungle bells...]

What's the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
[Your teeth.]

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
[You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.]

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party?
[Freeze a jolly good fellow...]

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
[Missletoe!]

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
[A subordinate claus.]

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus traveling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $5 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??
[Santa of course, the other two don't exist!]

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
[The letter "D"!]

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
[Because he had low elf esteem.]

The 3 stages of man:
1) He believes in Santa Claus.
2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
3) He is Santa Claus.

What if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

One Christmas I got a battery with a note saying, "Toy not included."

Q: How do cats greet each other at Christmas?
A: Have a furry merry Christmas and a Happy Mew Year.

Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A: A merry Christmas to Ewe.