Some Actual Tech Support Conversations...

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support: "Years of training..."

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."

Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"
Customer: "'Case Sensitive'."

Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support:

"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

"Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."

"Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

"In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

"Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

"Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

"Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

WHERE AM I ???

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign read "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER". The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle-Tacoma airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."