Silly Nonsense

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

From Bad to Terrible: Groaners!

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

A termite walks into a barroom and asks,
"Is the bar tender here?"

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts!

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck!

Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
Because they taste funny.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of Room

What does mozart do now that he is dead?
He decomposes.

Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don't work!