Your Daily Moment of Zen
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart, or your stomach growls in church.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Ten Pieces Of Advice And Truisms...

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape...
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship...
"I apologize" and "You are right."

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

Never pass up the opportunity to pee.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Living well "really is" the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

And finally...Be really nice to your friends and family...
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!