The Golfing Nun
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a telephone line that is hanging alongside the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell out of the squirrel's mouth, onto a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the f@#king putt, didn't you?"

The Soap Dispenser
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood ... sure enough, he drops the other bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last, despairing tug, then yells ...

"Mary, Mother of God - hand lotion!"