Don't Step On The Ducks
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven, "don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman the guy ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman. I told you about the ducks."

A few days pass. Then the second guy just barely grazes, but accidentally does, step on a duck. Along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman who could have been the first woman's sister or mother. He chains them together with one word admonishment: "Eternity".

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is VERY, VERY motivated about where he steps, a paranoid level of careful - not to step on a duck. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.

One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous women he has ever laid eyes on - a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks off.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

Driving Drunk
A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.

The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"

"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."

Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?" "Yes, Bubba sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?" "Sure is Bubba, but why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was think'n' can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?"