If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?

Personally, I think today's kids ought to do something really special for their Mothers on Mother's Day – like move out!

Hey guys -- looking for a great gift for your Mother-in-Law on Mother's Day? Why not send her back her daughter???

A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in college. With a sigh she replied, "Everything I have."

Fathers -- take heart, your day is coming, and you can be sure of getting at least one thing -- the bills from Mother's Day.

Most Mothers are always amazed when their sons/daughters marry a person with much lower mental capacity, ambition and moral standards, yet still manage to have utterly brilliant children.

A daughter broke-up with her boyfriend. She asked her Mother's advice about returning the gifts he'd given her. Without a pause, her Mother replied, "Send back the stuffed animals and letters, but keep the jewelry for sentimental reasons."

Lessons My Mom Taught Me
My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC #2:
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"