Actual Advertisements:

• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
• 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
  

• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2.00
• For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
• Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

OFFICE DICTIONARY:

"APPLY IN PERSON": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION": I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE": I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES": I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK": I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE": I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL": I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE": I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO": I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED": The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY": We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED": Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Unusual Behavior by Job Applicants...

"... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

"She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

"A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

"... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

"... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

"Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

"Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

"When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

"At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

"... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

"Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

"During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

"A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this:

"'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

"His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

"Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

"... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

"Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new chair."