Definition of a Redneck:
§ Used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class, especially in the southern United States.
§ A white person regarded as having a provincial, conservative, often bigoted attitude.

How to Talk Like A Redneck
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheel's still turning, but the hamster's dead"

"I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws, as a hair in a biscuit."

Redneck Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide) So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me -- I don't want to go deaf!"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

Did Ya Hear About ……
1. Hear about the Kentucky redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? The only catch is that she can't touch it until she's 14.

2. How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."

3. An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says
to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?'

4. Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack---When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?' "Jes' some chickens." If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" ....five?"

5. An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. Muh house is on fahr!" "Okay," replied the fireman. "How do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

6. Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

7. Ida Mae passed away, and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

8. Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Alabama to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

9. What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?...................... Documentaries.

10. Where was the toothbrush invented? Georgia... If it were invented
anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

11. A new law was recently passed in West Virginia so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

12. What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Mississippi, and a hurricane in Georgia have in common? Either way, somebody's fixin' to
lose a trailer.