Speech Impediment
Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.

George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"

Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."

The Barber Shop
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

True Phrases
Some phrases are only used when they are untrue.

"I'm not racist, but ..."

"I'm sure I ..."

"I don't want to contradict you..."

"With all due respect"

"Far be it from me ... "

"It goes without saying..."

"... not to mention ..."

"No offence"

"Oh no, I couldn't possibly"

"Oh go on then - just one."

"I shan't make this a long speech."

"Nothing, darling."

"Serves 4"

"I'm no prude, but ..."

"Family planning"

"Network upgrade"

"Care in the community"

"Back in 5 min"

"I'll just put you on hold for a moment."

"Congratulations! You have been especially chosen/selected ..."