At the Movies
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me.

Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."

"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."

Movie Night
My brother and his wife were going out to see a movie. This was going to be their first "date" in nearly a year, and they were leaving their 10-month-old son with me. I didn't have a whole lot of experience with kids, so I was a little nervous.

"What do I do if he starts crying?" I asked my sister-in-law.

"It probably means he's just hungry," she replied. "Try feeding him some vegetables, and that should do the trick."

She handed me the child and headed out the door with my brother. Right on cue, my little nephew started bawling almost as soon as their car left the driveway. So I figured I'd take her advice and give the vegetables a shot.

As it turns out, jalapeno is not his favorite.

Things I Learned from Indiana Jones
If you throw a whip over any type of overhang, it will stick on the first shot and hold your body weight.

Nazis are bad.

Germans are really up on their biblical history.

Egyptians are surprisingly good sidekicks... and a lot more helpful than little Asian kids.

Always have a monkey around to eat the fruit before you do.

Revolvers always beat swords.

Airplane propellers beat revolvers.

A solid gold statue weighs as much as two handfuls of sand.

If you are at a party and someone says "Hey, let's open up the Ark of the Covenant," get the hell out of there.

Never leave your hat behind. Ever.

Never look down.

Monkey brains and Jell-O are nearly interchangeable.

Spiders are okay. Rats? No problem. But snakes...

X really does mark the spot.

There's always another way out.

Jesus had lousy taste in drink ware.

Metal Medallion + Open Flame = Cool Looking Hand Scar.

Geritol and ibuprofen are miracle drugs.