In Praise of Older Women
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets ... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends.
A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

An older woman has lots of girlfriends ... and most of them will want to boff you too.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Wisdom from Grandpa
* Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

* Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

* Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

* When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

* On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

* The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

* Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

* Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

* The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

* When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.

* I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

* Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

* Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

* If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Serenity
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.

"Two years older than me"

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

The Senility Prayer:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.

"Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."