Computer Women
A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER.!!!

B... WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

C... EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

D... SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colorful, and lots of fun!

E... INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!!

F... SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but always busy when you need her.

G... MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

H... CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!

I... E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

J... VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost everything. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

Virus Variants
Recently, the "Love Bug" Virus circled the globe, damaging computers in its path. There have recently been some new mutations or variations of this virus that you should be aware of.

* The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer, but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.

* The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.

* The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.

* The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.

* The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer isn't working and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.

* The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries to record all of its functions. And it writes rude messages to any other computer with which yours connects on any regular basis.

* The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers with which it is totally incompatible or prove generally unavailable.

* The "Deadbeat" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.

What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.

Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.

What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.

My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.

>>>>>-------- The information went data way -------->

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

C:> Bad, bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

C:> File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Who's General Failure, & why's he reading my disk?

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.

THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down.

To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.

Warning: New Virus Identified
There's a new virus going around. It is called C-Nile. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of it so be warned. It appears to affect mostly those of us who were born before 1960.

Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail
3. Causes you to send it to the wrong person
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the