A Wise School Teacher
A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

What The Teacher Says and What He or She Really Means
Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school,indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).

Things You Don't Want To Hear On Your First Day Of School

"Please rise as we pledge allegiance to North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il"

"None of our students have lice — can't say the same for the cafeteria"

"I'm not only your guidance counselor, I'm also the janitor"

"Algebra is over — let's hit the showers"

"I'm your teacher, Mrs. Weston. Last year you knew me as Mr. Weston"

"So your mom tells me you're a bed-wetter"

"Instead of dissecting frogs, we'll be dissecting the body of the late Aleksander Solzhenitsyn"

"Grades will be based on how much you leave in my tip jar"

"I taught George W. Bush"

"Hi, I'm Principal Dick, but you can call me Andy"