Bumpers
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She bumped the car in front, then backed up and hit the car behind her.
This went on about two minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"

Men Are Good For Only One Thing
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"

You Might Be a Bad Driver If...
Your friends would rather walk five miles barefoot on asphalt in 110 degree heat than accept a ride from you.

You go to leave the frat party stone sober and your room-mate still insists on hiding your keys and calling a cab.

People ask you about "the accident", and you say, which one?

You've ever changed a full set of clothes and/or re-done your makeup while on the freeway.

You slow down when coming to green lights... and speed up on yellow.

You hit a tree and your brother tells you your getting rusty because you missed the center of the car by a fraction of an inch.

You take your eyes off the road and both hands off the steering wheel to help your passenger put on their seat belt while driving 65 MPH down the freeway.

You use your knees for steering more than your hands.

You think red lights & stop signs are a suggestion

The police carry separate tickets with your information filled out already.

You get pulled over for drunk driving and you are stone sober.

You think you have a flat when you hear thump, thump It's actually just you clipping the orange and white barrels.

Curb? What curb?

You are the only car in the parking lot and you STILL hit a light pole.

You swerve to miss a tree... and it's your air freshener.

What SEX And PARKING SPACES Share In Common:
*You should never have to wait to find one
*You should be able to slide right into one
*Spaces in the front are always the best
*When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice
*It sucks when someone else is double-parked
*Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back
*It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces
*A full-size car is good to find
*People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces
*Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying
*We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit
*A house isn't a home without a parking space
*Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear
*Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?
*The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.

New Parking Rules
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.

Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule #8 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you’re at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule #10 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the mall’s parking lot, there isn't any!