Student Insults
It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

I would not allow this student to breed.

Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

God and the Village Idiot
One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul.

"I need to find someone to run for president," he said after a while.

Attentive to his boss' needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates.

"Nah, I want that guy," he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor pissing off a balcony.

"You've got to be kidding," said St. Paul, "Not only is he dumber than a box of rocks, he's got drinking and drug problems."

"I don't care," said God, "This is the guy."

Perplexed, St. Paul asked: "What is the problem, Lord, art thou angry with the Americans?"

"No," said God, "I made a bet with the Devil that I could get a village idiot to run for president."

"But won't that work in the Devil's favor, oh Lord?" Paul asked.

"That's all right," said God, "he'll never take Florida."

Cure for a Cough
The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"

Kinetic Idiocy
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival, the doctor said that they had a new machine that would transfer by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor initially set the pain-transfer level to 10 percent, saying that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic but when they returned home, they found the milkman was dead on the porch.