Signs You are Getting Old(er)
  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  • Neighbors borrow your tools.
  • No one expects you to run--anywhere.
  • People call at 9 o'clock in the evening and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
  • There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won't wear out.
  • You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
  • You are proud of your lawn mower.
  • You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
  • You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
  • You can go bowling without drinking.
  • You can live without sex but not your glasses.
  • You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
  • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  • You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
  • You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
  • You get cable television for the Weather Channel.
  • You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  • You have a dream about prunes.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
  • You keep busy by sending e-mail to friends.
  • You know what the word "equity" means.
  • You make an appointment to see the dentist.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You send money to PBS.
  • You sing along with elevator music.
  • You take a metal detector to the beach.
  • You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
  • You wear black socks with sandals.
  • You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
  • Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • Your best friend is dating someone half their age and it isn't breaking any laws.
  • Your ears are hairier than your head.
  • Your eyes won't get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
  • You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • You can't remember who sent you this list.
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