Why I Need a Raise!
A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked:

'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No, the gardener did.'

She got the raise

Signs You're Really Broke
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.
Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
You receive care packages from Europe.
Your bologna has no first name.
You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."
The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.

Dear Staff:
RAISES - It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
a.. If we see you are wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

b.. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

c.. If you dress in between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS - Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

LUNCH BREAKS - a.. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

b.. Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

c.. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time it takes to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS - We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE - Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
a.. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.

b.. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

c.. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the bulletin board under the "chronic offenders" category.

SURGERY- As long as you are an employee here, you need all of your organs.

a.. You should not consider removing anything.

b.. We hired you intact.

c.. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, aggravations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a good week and GET BACK TO WORK!