I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on.

Reasons to Buy a New Car
Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel.

You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.

Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."

When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"

While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.

Keep losing dates on left turns.

Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

Traffic reporters starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

Hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.

Car on Fire
I had just pulled into a parking spot at the huge home improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood.

Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was standing behind the courtesy counter.

"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"

Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 1"

Raise a Cheek
A fat lady rode the bus to work every day but this day she had an unusually large build-up of gas. She wasn't sure what to do as the bus was quite crowded. Then she remembered that the bus would soon cross some railroad tracks that make it rattle and makes lots of noise. Maybe she can pass this gas without anyone knowing.

Unfortunately, last night the maintenance crew tightened all the loose bolts, smoothing out the crossing. At the tracks, she raised up on one cheek and let rip a long, loud, juicy one. But today the bus made not a sound -- just her. You could have heard a pin drop. "Maybe if I act natural, no one will figure out it was me," she thought.

She casually asked the man sitting across the aisle from her, "Excuse me, sir. Do you have a transfer?" He responded politely, "No, I don't, but the next tree we pass, I'll try to grab you a handful of leaves!"

Tips for Tourists Who Want To Drive In Las Vegas
Look at all the pretty lights on the buildings! Millions of colors! Don't waste your time looking at traffic lights; they only come in 3 colors.

Also, don't waste your time looking at the road. There's much more interesting things elsewhere. It's everyone else's job to look out for you.

Whatever you do, don't tap that accelerator. Keeping traffic slow is your gift to your hosts.

It is imperative that you turn onto the road as soon as possible regardless of who you have to cut off to do so. However, once on the road, there is no real hurry. Take your time. That guy you cut off will be happy to slow down.

The "fast lane." Ever wonder why it's called that? Me either.

If you drive a Winnebago, be sure to only drive on single lane highways with extensive no passing zones. If people can pass you and keep traffic flowing, it defeats the whole purpose of driving a Winnebago!

Whatever you do, don't look in your mirrors! Traffic might be piling up behind you and you wouldn't want that on your conscience!

Be sure to always slow down to a near stop to look at the twisted vehicles and bloody puddles of the innocent locals who have had "encounters" with driving tourists.

If you are pulled over, be sure to toss clichés and lame jokes about the mob, prostitution, or the weather to the cop. He's never heard that one before. Trust me.

And remember, when you are lost, do not stop to find out where you are. Simply slow to 1/3 of the speed limit and weave in and out of lanes haphazardly. This always gets you where you want to be.

Always be talking on a cell phone. Your techno-savvy impresses the locals and they will stare in worshipful awe as you run stop lights and narrowly miss pedestrians.

Stop signs don't really mean "stop." They mean "slow down just a tad and if you are feeling generous, perhaps glance to the side to make sure that guy you were supposed to yield to isn't going to hit you."

Feel free to stop in the middle of the road to take photos. The locals will be touched at how sentimental you are about their home.

Remember, you are on vacation so school speed zones don't apply to you.