Wife's Birthday
Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box.

"It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."

"And???" Bill asked.

"Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know just give me something with diamonds in it'."

"So what did you get her?" asked Bill.

"I bought her a deck of cards!!"

Monica Another Year Older?
This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

Tackle Box Lures
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many samples of makeup.

"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"

My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other cosmetics.

At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."

Birthday Party
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! For $50, would you chop off another toe?"