the Preacher's Children
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dare challenge the thought.

In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

Nearsighted
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

You Might Be A Preacher If...
a.. Everybody stops talking when you enter the room.

b.. You've ever lied at a funeral.

c.. You always read the obituaries.

d.. You've ever suffered anxiety attack while playing Bible Trivia Pursuit.

e.. You wonder why people who have some time to kill want to spend it with you.

f.. You get your second wind when you say "And, in conclusion."

g.. The ideas you bounce off board members really do.

h.. Your car tires are balding faster than your head.

i.. You wish someone would steal some of your sheep.

j.. You've seen more religion at a pool hall than you've seen at a Church cricket match.

k.. Your Bible has more side notes than printed text.

l.. "Annual Church Meeting" and "Armageddon" are one and the same to you.

m. You jiggle all the toilet handles before you leave the church building.

The Announcement
The Preacher explains that he must move on to a large congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims:
"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a car new every year!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says:
"If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally pay the difference to raise his salary!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, who must have once been a blonde, stands and announces with a smile,
"If the preacher stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand
and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "Screw the Preacher."

Finding Jesus
A drunk stumbled upon a baptismal service by the river. "Son, are you ready to find Jesus?" the cleric asked.

"Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him back up. "Have you found Jesus?"

"No, I haven’t," the drunk replied.

The preacher dunked him again, this time for a bit longer. "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, not yet, Reverend."

The preacher held the man under for a full minute this time, then asked, "Have you found Jesus now?"

Gasping for air, the fellow blurted, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"