A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, Bartender, two beers please. One for me, and one for the road."

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel fastened to his fly. The bartender points and says, "Hey! You have a steering wheel stuck on your fly!" And the pirate says: "Arrrgh. And it's driving me nuts!"

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"

A guy walks into a bar wearing nothing but a set of jumper cables. He says, "Bartender, give me a beer." The bartender says, "You can a beer, but I don't want you starting anything!"

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus."The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please."
The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here. "The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, you won't get many more.

"A termite walks into a bar and asks , "Is the bartender here?"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A three-legged dog walks into a bar. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."

A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"
The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman:
"What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says the man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman.

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work." And the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guy says, "I take care of the corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns." The bartender asks, "Tough job, huh? The guy says, "Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren't too smart, either."

A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one and says "Give me another drink before the trouble starts."

Finally, the bartender gives the man his tab, and the man says, "And NOW the trouble starts..."

"A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry."

The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have."

The bartender asks, "What have you got?

"Fifty cents," is the reply.

A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, "That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen's hats?" And the bartender says, "Well, it says right there in the Bible--the three wise men came from afar."

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man calls the bartender over. "Say, I must be losing my mind," he tells him."I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. "The peanuts?" "That's right, the peanuts--they're complementary."

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?"

The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign--I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the man tells his friend about it: "I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down. The bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed!

You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."

A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, "What's the matter?" The man says, "My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today.

"This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink.

His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, "What are you doing? What's in your pocket?" And the guy says, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."