Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks

There will be no Nativity Scene in the United State Congress, this year !

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable!

Ways to Confuse Santa
* Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

* While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

* Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

* While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

* Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

* Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

* Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

* Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

* While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

* Leave Santa a note explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

* Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

* Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

The Christmas Presents Laws:
1. If it doesn't run off the mains, batteries are never included
2. If it does run off the mains, a plug is never included
3. Everything is designed to break by Dec 26
4. If you can wear it, it's the wrong size
5. If it fits, the color is never right

Things You Don't Want To Hear At Your Office Christmas Party
10. "I think the icing on this cake is white-out"

9. "The bar will be open from 9:00 to 9:05"

8. "I've never seen chunky egg nog before"

7. "My New Year's resolution is to stop videotaping the men's room"

6. "Ooh, another windbreaker with the company logo - - This will help me put my kids through college"

5. "You're supposed to sit naked on the xerox machine, not the shredder"

4. "Put on Regis Philbin's Christmas album"

3. "Why is Shecky naked?"

2. "There's Letterman - - Get him!"

1. "Yeah, a glass of watery cider and a cookie makes up for a year of bullshit"