Vegetative State
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

The CDC
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of Bird Flu. If you experience any of the following symptoms, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High Fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield

Billy Bob Died
An older woman down south goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is properly written. (She had always been known for her accuracy to details, second only to her famous sense of thrift.) Only his beloved pickup truck remained to remind her of his presence.

The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died."

Although amused at the woman's cleverness, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

This causes her to become only a little flustered, so she thinks things over for a few seconds. "In that case," she says, "let it read, 'Billy Bob died, 1983 Pickup for sale.'"

Intensive Care
A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his body like a spider's web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.

Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out,

"Jim...........my."

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish."

The second man replied, "Irish."

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again.

Jimmy took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out, "Glasgow."

Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."

This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.

"Cancer," said Jimmy.

Paddy replied, "Sagittarius."