Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

Love and Marriage
In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire

For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy

Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy

Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

Hindi Dowry
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.