Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

* On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: "Blackened bluefish"

* In a Maine restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

* On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

* On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"

* Outside a country shop in West Virginia: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

* In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

* A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: "Do not activate with wet hands."

* In a New York restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

* In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

* In downtown Boston: "Callahan Tunnel - NO END"

* On a Tennessee highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

* On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: "No trespassing without permission."

* In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

* Sign on road: 'MEN SHOULD BE WORKING.'

* Sign in shoe shop window: 'COME IN AND HAVE A GOOD FIT.'

* Sign at soft drink stand: 'THIRST COME; THIRST SERVED.'

* Sign in a barber shop: 'I TRIM EVERYONE.'

* Billboard on road: 'BELT YOUR FAMILY AND SAVE THEIR LIVES.'

* On a tombstone: 'I EXPECTED THIS BUT NOT QUITE YET.'

* Sign on a bench: 'WET PAINT. WATCH IT OR WEAR IT.'

* Sign on a garage: 'DON'T SMOKE AROUND THE GASOLINE TANK. IF YOUR LIFE ISN'T WORTH ANYTHING GASOLINE IS!'

* In a shoe shop: 'ONE SHOE SHINED FREE.' and 'WE SAVE SOLES.'

* Merchandise wanted ad: 'PIANO WANTED BY LADY WITH MAHOGANY LEG.'