• "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
• "All generalizations are false."
• "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
• "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
• "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
• "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
• "Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
• "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."
• "Born Free. . . . Taxed to Death"
• "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
• "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
• "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
• "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
• "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
• "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
• "REHAB is for quitters"
• "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
• "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
• "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
• "E. coli Happens"
• "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
• "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."
• "Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! "
• "I KNOW JACK SHIT!"
• "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
• "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
• "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
• "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
• "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
• "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
• "If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
• "I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
• "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
• "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
• "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! "
• "Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
• "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
• "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
• "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
• "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
• "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
• "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
• "Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
• "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"
• "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
• "Assassins do it from behind!"
• "Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
• "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
• "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
• "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
• "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
• "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."
• "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
• "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
• "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
• "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
• "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
• "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
• "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
• "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
• "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
• "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
• “Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
• "i souport publik edekasion"
• "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
• "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
• "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
• "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
• "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
• "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
• "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock."