Amazing Longevity
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'"

"Twenty-six!" he said.

Aging With A Smile
Any woman can have the body of a 26-year-old as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I wear a "Wonder Where They Went" bra.

I think my boobs are in a race to see which will reach my waist first.

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age. But they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Getting older is like visiting an all-you-can-eat buffet. What should be hot is cold. What should be firm is limp, and the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu.

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.