Pet-Care Tips
Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come:

When going on vacation, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can opener where your dog can easily reach them.

If you love your cat, change your first name to Meow legally, and then train your cat to call you by name. Cool at parties.

Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one of those freaky snake people.

If your dog or cat starts wearing pointy, '50s-era women's eye-glasses, contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately.

Owning a colorful cockatiel or mynah bird is a great way to make you wake up one morning, slap yourself on the forehead, and say, "Holy shit! I'm really gay!"

Most tropical fish are dead when they are upside-down and motionless at the top of the tank....remove after two weeks.

Many people consider their pets just as important a part of the family as its human members. This is normal. Just don't tell your spouse.

If you have a pot-bellied pig, with yellowish eyes at home ...best you check the pig's religious affiliation before considering marriage.

Unless you constantly reassure your dog that he is a good dog, he will likely grow depressed and eventually require sharing your anti-depressants.

When choosing a pet, remember she may be soft and cute, but Penthouse pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high-maintenance.

Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and light breading in a rosemary butter sauce.

Animals should always be stroked horizontally. Never try to go across the under belly of the pet....without parental permission

By blinding your dog, you may technically be able to get it into stores and restaurants.

Your Rottweiler or pit bull won't turn on you and kill you someday if you train it properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind, it's a longshot.

If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute, consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size.

Most kittens can withstand impacts of up to 25 mph, but there's no way to be sure without extensive testing.

Getting your kids a boa constrictor and a dozen rats is a great way to teach them that the animal kingdom is not something that exists just for their amusement.

Old people enjoy pets. Get your pet one.

Seven out of ten people polled believe that giving a skunk as a wedding gift is de classe.

Most dogs in the White House adopt a President for photo shoots, best if the President is house-broken first.

Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard to Protect
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry....Eat a shoe.