The Insurance Money
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.... "Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well,I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"

Here it comes..........

The Confession
Stan was dying. His wife, Esther, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Esther my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Esther," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Esther, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Esther. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

I know, sweetheart," whispered Esther, "let the poison work."

Cyanide
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

Working On the Fourth Husband
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Famous Last Words
* I'll get a world record for this..
* It's fireproof.
* He's probably just hibernating.
* What does this button do?
* It's probably just a rash.
* Are you sure the power is off?
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* I've seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
* Let it down slowly.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* It's strong enough for both of us.
* This doesn't taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* I've done this before.
* Well, we've made it this far.
* That's odd.
* You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
* Don't be so superstitious.
* Now watch this.