Job Ads Made Easy
What the Job Ad says & What it means:

Advancement opportunity:
Sh*t job

Entry level
Really sh*t job

No experience necessary
The mother of all sh*t jobs

Administrative assistant
Sh*t job with a title

Ground floor opportunity
Sh*t job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

Progressive company
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team player
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities

Upbeat personality
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public relations Receptionist Professional appearance important $20K/year that requires a $100K wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner
Be voice of 1-900-SUCK

Earn up to $300/hr:
BE 1-900-SUCK

Salary range $24K to $32K
This salary is $24K

Jeans job!
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions

B.A. required, master's preferred
Must be an M.A. and be willing to work on a B.A.'s salary

Civil service
This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Women & minorities encouraged to apply
White males need not waste the stamp

Outstanding benefits package
Health insurance

Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them in to one job.

Top-notch communication skills
Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive locations Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting

Secretary
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker

Executive secretary
The most powerful position in any company

Dedicated
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hrs/wk from now until we force you in to early retirement

Salary commensurate
We will pay whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable
We will take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary
We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job, but not one penny more

Competitive starting salary
Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere
A staff of pod people

Professional atmosphere
Zombie pod people

Fun, creative atmosphere
Pod people from hell

Dynamic atmosphere
Zombie pod people from hell

Gal Friday
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it

Self-starter
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means

HR and the Pearly Gates
Human Resources Director went to heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules". And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends, fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country to enjoy an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it; it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it; it was time to leave and St Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course, country club, we ate lobster, we danced and had a great time. Now, there is only wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled .....
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're a staff..."