Subpoena
Mike was visiting Jim and discussing Jim's problems with his wife when Jim's doorbell rang. Jim answered the door and was handed a paper, which the deliverer said was a subpoena. Jim showed it to Mike and asked him if he knew what it was.

Mike in his pompous lack of knowledge said, "Of course I know what a subpoena is."

"Well, what exactly is it?" Jim asked.

"Well," said Mike, "that's legal talk. Your wife is suing you for divorce. We know that 'sub' means 'under' and 'poena' is Latin for 'penis', so -- 'subpoena' means under the penis -- which means she's got you by the balls."

Medical Distinctions
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

Vacation Meals
A woman noticed a sign on the wall in a holiday resort.

It read: Breakfast served from six to ten-thirty, lunch from twelve to three, tea from four to five, dinner from seven to eleven.

She said to her husband, "That doesn't leave much time for sightseeing, does it?"

The Funny Side of Marriage
One woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Well, yes, but I married the wrong man."

Getting married is very much like going out to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

A man once said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A man took out a classified ad saying "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred responses saying "You can have mine."

Some men define marriage as a very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

And some learn that the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you know that either the wife is new - or the car is.

Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't care!"