Married 30 Years . .
I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 15 " black and white tv. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 29 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a kingsize bed, and a plasma screen tv, but I'm sleeping every night with a 60 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up to your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 30 year old blonde, and she would make absolutely sure that I would be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 15" tv.

I just love older women. They know how to solve a man's problems in a hurry.

Do You Have a What?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina".

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina".......

"Yes" she says......

The man replies.. "Good! Would You Mind Telling Your Husband To Leave My Wife's Alone And Start Using Yours ?"

Lecture
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

Insane
The Jokester told Jon, "I called the local insane asylum the other day to see who escaped from there recently."

"Really? Why do you wonder about that?"

"Well, SOMEBODY married my ex-wife last month"

New Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. We followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful -- we never even felt hungry!

But soon we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it.
Checking the recipes again, we found it. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."