A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well, that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

Check My Leg
A man goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg.
Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" asked the doctor.

"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir," said the dumbfounded Doctor, "I really don't know what to tell you. I've never encountered anything like this before."

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged.

The doctor did as the man said and heard the ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said.

"However, I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

The Subway
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat. "then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

The Pilot
At a grocery checkout counter, my father was sorting through various currencies, searching for US dollars to pay for his purchases.

"Looking at all that foreign money," the cashier said, "I bet you're going overseas."

"I'm an airline pilot," Dad explained."I frequently fly to the Orient."

"Oooo, a pilot! That must be exciting!"

"Not if you do it right," replied my father."

Checking Up on the Wife
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check up on his wife. A few days later, the detective returned, complete with a video. There on the screen, he saw his wife with another man! The two of them laughed in the park, enjoyed a meal at an outdoor café, danced in a nightclub, totally engrossed in each other.

"I can't believe it!" the distraught husband said.

The detective replied, "What's not to believe? It's all right there on the screen!"

The husband said, "Who knew my wife was so much fun?!"