National Poetry Contest
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Political Correctness
Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term: Political Correctness.

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Lying Contest
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

Modern Medicine
Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both of your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor got up, shook his hand and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Dan. He told him what questions were going to be asked, and told him the answers. Dan was called in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Dan, remembering what Jon said was the correct answer, he said, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off both of your ears?" "I'd be completely blind." Dan answered. "Dan, can you explain how you'd be blind?" "My hat would fall over my eyes."

Carnation Milk Contest
A farmer’s wife was in her kitchen cooking one morning. She picked up a can of Carnation milk and read on the label about a contest the company was having. Whoever submitted the best slogan for their product would win $50. She sat down with a pencil and paper and wrote . . . "Carnation Milk, best in the land. Comes to you in a red and white can." She couldn't think of anything else at the moment so she pushed the paper aside and went about her chores. Later in the day her husband came in from the field and sat down at the table for a glass of ice tea and saw the letter his wife had started. After reading the about the contest on the can label he picked up the pencil, wrote some more to the slogan, sealed it in an envelope and put it in the mail box.

Two weeks later the farmer’s wife checked the mail and was surprised to see a letter from Carnation Milk as she had completely forgot about the contest. She opened the enveloped and inside was a $50 check and a letter. The letter said "Congratulations! You are the lucky winner! Enclosed is a check and a copy of your slogan. Confused, she read the enclosed slogan.

Carnation Milk, best in the land.
Comes to you in a red and white can.
No tits to squeeze, no hay to pitch.
Just poke a hole in the son of a bitch!