Lawyer Story
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Post Accident Intervention
After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR."

The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.

"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here!"

Music Appreciation
The world's worst orchestra director was preparing his new group for their first concert. Halfway through the first movement, as he conducted with wild abandon, his baton flew out of his hand and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player, killing her instantly.

The police investigated, but ruled her death an accident. At the next rehearsal, he got caught up in the music again, lost his baton again, and this time struck the bassoon player in the eye, killing him instantly.

The police investigated, but again ruled the death an accident. At the third rehearsal, the same thing happened, this time to a violist. The police could not believe that such an odd thing could happen three times in a row accidentally, so they arrested the conductor. He was tried for triple homicide and sentenced to death.

After all his appeals proved fruitless, the warden strapped him in the electric chair and the officer in charge threw the giant electrical switch. But nothing happened. He turned it off and then back on again, but still nothing. The exasperated warden yelled at the officer, "What are you doing wrong?"

The officer retorted, "Hey, don't blame me. Everyone knows he's a poor conductor!"

Kicked
A cowboy went to an insurance agency to buy a policy. The agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident?"

"Nope," replied the cowboy. "Last summer, a bronc kicked in two of my ribs, and a couple of years ago, a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle."

"Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent.

"Naw," the cowboy replied. "They did it on purpose!"