Actual Car Accident Statements
Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.

Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.

Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

Man Driver: I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

Man Driver: I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.

Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.

New Parking Rules (Not to be taken seriously!)
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.

Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule #8 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule #10 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!