Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself:
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread."

A Russian woman married an Englishman, and they lived happily ever after. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails. .............I don't know about you sometimes!

After a Terrible Accident
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries - "DOC, DOC...I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!!!

"Well of course you can't silly!", replies the Doc... "I've cut off both of your arms."

Tattoos
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.'

With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'

They're Finally Together
Maria, an Italian woman was extremely religious.

When she was married, she refused to use protection because she felt that birth control was going against God's will. She and her husband had seventeen kids.

Maria's husband got sick and passed away. As time went by, Maria moved on with her life and married another man. Again, she refused to use protection because of her religious beliefs.

She and her second husband have fifteen kids.

Again, Maria lost her husband. But, soon after her husband's death, she passed away as well.

At the ceremony at the cemetery the priest looked down at the coffin then looked up at the sky and said, "They're finally together."

This confuses one of the family members at the service and after the ceremony, asks the priest.

Father," he starts, "back at the cemetery when you said, 'they're finally together,' did you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The father takes a long look and him and says, "I was talking about her legs."