Voodoo Penis
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch & started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass. The rest is history.

Its All in the Preparation
A woman goes on a game show trying to win the top prize of $50,000. She keeps answering question after question, and the prize money keeps building up.

Finally she gets to the last question and the host says, "Okay, now. For fifty thousand dollars, here is your final question: What are the three most important parts of a man's body?"

Suddenly the buzzer sounds. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the host, "our time is up for today. We'll have to come back next week and ask you that question again. If you can answer it correctly, though, you will win fifty thousand dollars!"

So the woman goes home that night, and her husband is really excited.

"Wow, honey!" he exclaims as he hugs her. "You did great! That was fantastic! And just wait until next week! We'll win fifty thousand dollars!"

So the wife says to him, "Well, tell me, honey. What are the three most important parts of a man's body?"

The husband answers, "It's the head, the heart, and the penis."

"Oh, okay," she says. "Great!"

So for the next few days, the husband keeps testing her with the question. She's in the shower when he suddenly sticks his head in around the curtain and barks, "What are the three most important parts of a man's body?"

She quickly replies, "HEAD, HEART, AND P'ENIS!"

"Great!" says the husband.

All week long he keeps testing her, asking her at the strangest moments, and trying to catch her off guard. But she always gets the right answer.

Finally the big night arrives, and she is very excited as she arrives at the television studio. The lights go on, and soon as they go on the air, the host says to her, "All right! You've had a week to prepare! Now…for fifty thousand dollars…what are the three most important parts of a man's body?"

The studio audience falls to a hush. The hot bright lights are shining down, the cameras push in for a close up, and the woman starts to get flustered.

"U"...um...um...the...the...uh...the HEAD!"

"That's ONE!" says the host.

"Uh…uh…uh," stammers the woman, "uh…the HEART!"

The host shouts out, "That's TWO!"

Now the woman is so nervous that she can hardly think. "Oh, I know it, I know it," she says, "it's right on the tip of my tongue…I could spit it out…it's been drilled into me all week…"

The host says, "Aaah, that's close enough. You win!"