From a Catholic Elementary School Test:
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times.

Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.!

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.

It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistels were the wives of the apostals.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

Christians have only one spouse This is called monotony.

The Lord's Prayer
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

Sorry Sister
This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow.

At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker. "Goddammit!" he said.

"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun.

I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again."

The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them.

"Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun.

"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man.

"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree.

I've Learned...
"I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better
have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.