The Most Embarrassing First Date That a Woman Ever Had:
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down, and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize, hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." .And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

"This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

Things Not To Say On A First Date
You're fine for a girl with body odor.
Do you shave?
How much do you actually weigh?
You look pretty old for your age.
Can you pay for the bill, I'm kind of broke.
Thanks for lending me your car, I only wrecked it a little.
Why did you get your shoes out of that dumpster out there?
Do you wear deodorant?
Will you marry me?
Oh man, got any Ex-Lax?
Do you wipe your butt?
Do you like someone else like another girl?
Can I kiss your face?
Since you have a car, can you drop me off at Charter Beacon?
I think you are ugly.

Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours,
Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember...I don't mind going back to prison."

Three Boys
A farmer had three lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.

The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going steady, is she ready?" The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.

The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.

The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: "Hi, I'm Chuck." The farmer shot him.