The case concerned a Will, and Kelly was a witness.

"Was the deceased," asked Attorney Thompson, "In the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?"

"I don't know," said Kelly.

"Come now man, you don't know the answer to that question, yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?" questioned Attorney Thompson.

"Well, Mr. Thompson," said Kelly, "I never happened to be with him when he was alone."

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court.

That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Judge: "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

Witness: "I do."

Judge: "Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

Witness: "Sure, my side will win."

Judge: "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

Defendant: "I do."

Judge: "Now what do you say to defend yourself?"

Defendant: "Your Honor, under those limitations, nothing."

The judge said to his dentist: "Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

Judge: "Have you anything to offer to this Court before I pass sentence?"
Defendant: "No your honor, my lawyer took every penny."

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?"

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: "What was the date again?"

Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"
Defendant: "No, I did not."
Prosecutor: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"
Defendant: "Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder"

Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.