Signs You're Paranoid
You run away upon seeing a mall directory that says, "You are here."

Thirty five locks on your sock drawer just aren't enough.

You hire a private eye to keep an eye out on your house, but then fire him because he's part of the conspiracy.

Before you take the garbage cans back from the street, you check them for really short Mafia hit men.

You are learning six foreign languages because you just know those people you don't understand are talking about YOU.

You even wonder if the guard dog you hired is secretly plotting against you.

You have a funny feeling the voices in your head are plotting behind your back.

It takes you three hours each evening to program the household alarms and video surveillance system before you can go to bed.

You're checking off each number on this list as you read.

The Witness Relocation Program has told you to stop showing up unless you have an actual reason to.

I Joined a Club
Upon reaching 73, Marvin's old friend Stu decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife Anne became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time like joining a club or getting a hobby.

Old Stu obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home Anne asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the corner bar and hung out with the guys". And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club".

"What? Are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start parachuting"?

"Yeah, look. I even got a membership card."

"Stu, you need glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club!"

"Oh, great!! Now what am I gonna do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week"

Institutionalized
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"

"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."