Priest in Airport Customs
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

Nookie Green
Forgive me Father. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month"

Nookie Green seems to be very popular with my male parishioners the priest thinks. Then, he tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest has to ask, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." The priest leaves the church wondering who in the world is Nookie Green?

The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and way too short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and alter boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress, sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the alter boy and asks, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The alter boy's eyes are popping out of his head, as he replies "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

A Pope and a Lawyer
Once a Pope and a lawyer died and went to heaven.

God came and said, "Follow me and I will give you your rooms." So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. "Thank you, thank you my lord," said The Pope.

Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman. "Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other one to The Pope?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, we get popes by the dozens, but you're our first lawyer."