Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer's Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline:
• No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.
• I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!
• How cute... a tax form done in crayon.
• No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.
• Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.
• No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.
• Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.
• I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.
• I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.
• Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!

Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2006 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing for (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400.) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029.) which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5” Phillips Head screwdriver, (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5” Phillips Head screwdrivers).
One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

A Hooker's Tax Return
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "what is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

What A Coincidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"