Fatal Things to Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant

• "I finished the Oreos."
• "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
• "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
• "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
• "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!"
• "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
• "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
• "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
• "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
• "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
• "Get your *own* ice cream."
• Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
• "Got milk?"
• "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
• "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
• "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."
• "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

Pregnant Blonde
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great! Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, " That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.......

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack....... And.......Both tests came out positive!"

The Way My Wife Would Do It
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."