Time for a Trade-In...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I have bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my mom's old Buick.

My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging.

Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Ben & Jerry's opened a shop in my neighborhood.

Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.

I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when is the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My reaction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. I'm burning fuel at an inefficient rate.

But here's the worst of it: almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, I leak oil.

I'm so ready for a trade in! Anyone know where I can get a good deal?

The True Meanings of Car Ads
If the ad claims... It really means

"rough condition"... too bad to lie about

"parts car"... beyond repair

"immaculate"... recently washed

"engine quiet"... if you use 90-weight oil

"needs minor overhaul"... needs engine

"needs major overhaul"... Phone the junkyard

"burns no oil"... it all leaks out

"drive it away"... I live on a hill

"drive it anywhere"... within 10 miles

"desirable classic"... No one wants it.

"rare classic"... No one wanted it even when it was new.

"stored 20 years"... (in a farmer's field)

"ran when stored"... Won't start